It’s taken over three years, but in recent months I have achieved stability. I still have very limited energy and can’t be upright for very long without getting horrible headaches, but my symptoms are finally at a point where they are predictable. I can make plans. I can leave the house! 1Once a week for no more than 2 hours with the proper medication precautions, and only if I make sure I take a full rest day the following day, but still! Predictability has given me a freedom that I haven’t had in a long time, but it also gave me something else.
Ambition.
I’m starting to see glimpses of the person I once was coming back. Not the burnt out tech worker parts, admittedly, but the parts where I used to throw myself into projects that I loved. I miss losing hours a day on creating things and following that inspiration when I was between projects to figure out what I was up to next. It’s a thing I can’t do anymore without causing major health issues, but now that I’m stable, I think I can treat myself a little.
Of course I mean I am going to let myself start doing things again. I’m going to need to be very careful because, well, I know myself. I give myself any slack and I will run away with the leash. No concrete goals, no timelines, nothing that might make me feel even a little bad about taking a break from it. It’s not going to be anything like the productivity I used to do and it is definitely going to feel pretty fake sometimes, but it will be something.
The only rule I’m holding myself to is a maximum daily time allocation. At the start of the year, no more than fifteen minutes a day on a project that I am going to keep a running list of. That time limit goes up by no more than 5 minutes after 1 month of no increased symptoms. That is a lot of time. Well, for me at this point in my life, anyway.
I am very excited about this. I don’t know if I will post the list of projects anywhere, but the list currently includes the trilogy I wrote last year, a couple Twine and RPG Maker games, some art, creating paperback and hardcovers, and a smattering of other things. It’s going to be so good to make things again! I cannot wait.